Penguins On Prozac
Poppies Ogling Peonies
Perhaps Onions Pollute
Palpate Olives Privately
Pretend Ohio’s Perplexed
Pie? Ohhhh! Please!!!
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You’ve all probably heard the old joke about April Showers:
Q: If April showers bring May flowers, what do Mayflowers bring?
A: Pilgrims!
(*pause for groan*)
I appreciate the whole idea of knowing the precipitation in advance, but it would be nice if months could bring things I actually use.
For example, September could bring Belgian chocolate cheesecake.
June could bring comfy new sandals that actually fit my feet.
December could bring wads of fifty-dollar bills.
I hope there’s a month that brings Johnny Depp.
That would really be useful.
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As you know if you read the Jannaverse, I’ve been sick for the past couple days.
You may want to start buying stock in Kleenex, Excedrin, and Aquafina.
And, if I end up making it to the store this afternoon (ha!), possibly Halls cough drops as well.
I haven’t been outdoors since Friday, when I got to leave work early because I felt so lousy.
Here’s hoping it still looks the same.
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I’m still alive!
I’m sorry I’ve been terrible about posting lately.
I haven’t forgotten this little section of cyberspace. Really I haven’t.
In fact, it’s part of that perpetual “to do” list we all have.
You know what I mean:
1. Do laundry
2. Wear pants
3. Scoop litter box
4. Buy socks
5. Figure out what that smell is
6. Post something on Jantics
7. Write letter to Taco Bell asking them to please bring back the Cheesy Gordita Crunch.
I don’t always make it all the way down to the bottom of the list.
Plus, soon the list will be even longer, with things like “Complain about the summer heat” and “search for a place that sells Michigan blueberries”.
Last night I dreamed I found a place that sold blueberries as big as plums.
It felt vaguely familiar, as if I’ve dreamed about it before.
I can almost taste them.
Anyway, please stick around, don’t give up on me.
I’m still here.
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1. Well, Another Rhinoceros Migrates…
2. We’re All Really Miserable
3. Why Are Raisins Moldy?
4. Wayne Ate, Rapidly Munching
5. White And Red = Mauve
6. Wisconsin Almost Reminds Me….
7. Whose Ancient Ruins? Mine?
8. Watch A Rotting Muskrat
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I’m pleased to announce that the gardening catalogs have finally given up on me.
They’ve figured out that as much as I love looking at pretty plants, I will inevitably end up killing them.
It’s happened more than once. I’ll look through the pretty pictures and decide I want a beautiful garden of this or that, edged by this or that, with delightful accents of this or that. I’ll order stuff, plant it with all the love I can muster, and wait.
Nothing ever looks the same as it does in the catalog.
Nothing ever survives through the end of the season.
So I gave up.
For years afterward, the catalogs would still continue to arrive nonetheless.
This year they finally seem to have stopped.
Perhaps the plant manufacturers are trying to save on postage costs, and part of their plan is to stop mailing catalogs to serial plant killers.
It’s a good plan.
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I wish chickens were all pretty colors, like parrots and macaws. We could admire their beautiful blues and yellows and greens and reds…
And then we could choose beautiful dipping sauces for them.
Because, let’s face it, they would still be delicious deep-fried.
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1. “So, wait, HOW many gerbils are missing now?”
2. “My new girlfriend looks just like Pauly Shore! See?”
3. “Here, try this. I just found it next to the cat.”
4. “Have you seen my new underwear stain?”
5. “But Mildred LIKES making Chex Mix with Brussels Sprouts!”
6. “When the police get here, tell them my name is Fluffy.”
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Five Random Thoughts Involving Fire:
1. I wonder how many times people put flaming bags of dog poop on porches last year.
2. If you worked at McDonalds, would you get fired if you brought a Whopper for lunch?
3. How much gunpowder would you have to mix into a cup of yogurt before it would be combustible?
4. It’s been at least ten years since I roasted a marshmallow over a campfire. Suddenly I feel deprived.
5. Was I the only one who thought Barney The Dinosaur needed to get hit by a giant flaming meteor?
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